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From a date to a relationship

I'm not ready to have sex yet, am I a prude?

How to act when dating speeds are different? There is one major rule when two partners have different speeds of dating - even in the online dating world. Respect your partners needs and feelings.

How to act when dating speeds are different

Dear Paula,

I have met a man who is ok but I find it difficult to relate to him. I feel we are running at different speeds: he is keen to have sex; I was keen but now I am not. I don't have a problem with a man desiring me once I know we care about each other and want to do other things together. I love sex but I have experienced being hurt when sex was not part of a happy relationship and I don't want to experience that again.

Am I being prudish?

I have had to tell this guy to slow down and cool off but honestly, every time he is in touch, he talks dirty or sends me dirty texts. It makes me feel anonymous and this could have been sexy if there was already some familiarity or comfort but under the circumstances (we have met twice) I don't feel comfortable.

Any thoughts? Is this just the paradox that stops men and women getting along? That their needs are in fact quite different?

Appreciate your ideas.




Dear Danielle,

I don't think that men and women's needs are necessarily very different, both men and women need to be respected and have their partner respond to their needs and feelings. This is what's not happening in your situation, and there is nothing shameful or prudish about your reaction -you don't feel comfortable receiving dirty texts by someone you have only met twice, so tell him to stop it. A relationship should be about respect and empathy as well as attraction and if someone seems incapable of understanding your discomfort in the situation, then he is not treating you right. Perhaps you can give him another chance to redeem himself by telling him you are not happy with how he is behaving, but if he doesn't stop, end it.

Everyone has different comfort zones around sex and it doesn't matter if you and your partner are a bit different in this respect, but it does matter if you are unable to communicate this and if he is unable to respect it. You owe it to yourself to let him know very clearly that he is putting you off and then it's up to him to react like a gentleman or not. Don't worry about whether or not you're prudish, that's a meaningless value judgement, what matters is not to allow yourself to be bullied.

Best Wishes, Paula

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